SHE COMES FIRST PDF
D. SHE COMES FIRST POP QUIZ Are you Sexually Cliterate? 11 Mistakes you make when trying to lose belly fat ◇◇◇ ecogenenergy.info SHE COMES FIRST the thinking man's guideSHORT ANSWER – SHE COMES FIRST. PLEASURING A WOMAN INSTRUCTOR: IAN KERNER, PH. D. SHORT ANSWER – 40 POINTS (please provide answer in essay form). Editorial Reviews. ecogenenergy.info Review. "When it comes to pleasuring women and conversing in the language of love, cunnilingus should be every man's native.
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SHE COMES FIRST the thinking man's guide to pleasuring a woman IAN KERNER, Ph. D. Introduction: Confessions of a Premature Ejaculator T HE PREMISE. The title of this book, She Comes First Summary, is a pun. Now look back at the title and read the subtitle once again: “The Thinking Man's. She Comes First book. Read reviews from the world's largest community for readers. Ian Kerner offers a radical new philosophy for pleasuring women in.
I've seen a number of sex books which seem more like porn than realistically helpful instruction books. She Comes First keeps everything very simple and real.
Kerner writes in a very down-to-earth style that is easy to relate to and understand. He does use a lot of literary analogies, which may not be everyone's cup of tea, but the information contained in them is still quite comprehensible even if the reader is not an English major. Also, while many sex books incorporate full-color photos which is fine sometimes , She Comes First sticks with ordinary line drawings which keep the reader's focus on the substance of the text while enhancing the words with helpful illustrations.
In addition, the chapters are very brief generally only a few pages long , and several of the ones on technique include repetition in the form of quick reviews at the end of the chapter, making it perfect for the ofttimes shorter male attention span. My husband was certainly willing to read She Comes First, but since he already reads quite a bit about sex and relationships on the internet, I think that he was perhaps a little skeptical that he would learn anything new and more importantly, that it would actually work.
Well, I can honestly say that both of us were pleasantly surprised by just how effective the techniques can be. If this book could teach my husband, a normally attentive lover, a few new tricks, I can only imagine what it might do for other men who aren't quite as skilled or considerate.
Of course, that's with the caveat that they are open-minded enough to not think they already know it all. I sure didn't.
The male orgasm is indispensable and highly valued by society, not so the females. What happened? As long as the one-sex view prevailed, the capacity for female pleasure was understood, if not always respected. What men are habitually, women are only exceptionally.
Medical illustrations became increasingly more simplistic, leaving parts of the clitoris unlabelled. By Victorian times, the orgasm, which was previously accepted as a natural component of women's sexual repertoire, was seen as unnecessary, unseemly, and perhaps even unhealthy for women.
What's particularly insidious is that at the time of his postulating Freud had a rather clear understanding of the anatomical role of the clitoris and chose instead to promote his personal ideas about female sexuality over current scientific knowledge.
In short, he abused the bully pulpit. Female masturbation was criticized as creating clitoral With the change to femininity the clitoris should wholly, or in part, hand over its sensitivity and at the same time its importance to the vagina.
Freud, New Introductory Lectures on Psychoanalysis dependency; oral sex was verboten. In Freud's view, there were no two ways about it: Hence, a woman's sexuality became subsumed by a male's. From there, it was all downhill. It was as if, for most of the twentieth century, women's extensive genital anatomy, and even the explosive little glans, was vaporized. Memory of the clitoris gradually faded until it became an anatomical nonentity.
Mary Jane Sherfey, who pioneered the idea that the clitoris is a powerful organ system. But knowledge is only powerful when disseminated and put into practice.
Men need to take the time to learn what most women know intuitively about their bodies — how to listen to and feel them — and sex needs to be redefined as an activity that accommodates a wide variety of sensual and erotic activities; including, but by no means limited to, genital intercourse.
In both philosophy and practice, any definition of sex must, first and foremost, include a powerful element of respect.
The practice depends on both women's and men's recognition and respect of this power. Edwardes and R. She knew that sex and power were inexorably linked, and she When my husband gives me head, it's such a powerful tum-on No joke.
Old paintings depict the beautiful, powerful empress standing and holding her ornate robe open while a high nobleman or diplomat is shown kneeling before her, applying his lips and tongue to her royal mound.
What's in a Name?
Well gone are the days of kings and queens and royal decrees, but inside many a modem woman is an Empress Wu Hu, longing to be honored by her nobleman. Most men can more easily identify what's under the hood of a car than what's under the hood of a clitoris.
Even though the genitals of both men and women are formed from the same embryonic material, and develop during gestation in an equivalent manner, the penis grows out, while much of the clitoris grows in. Interestingly, Oliver Wendell Holmes remarked that the female genitalia were simply those of the male turned inside out.
But on the contrary, modem science teaches us that the male is a modified female, differentiated during the first trimester of pregnancy. So if anything, the male genitalia are a mirror image of the female's rather than vice versa. What's in a name? But they're the right words, in that they're scientifically accurate and properly descriptive.
And knowing the right words is a powerful starting point for clearly understanding the process of sexual response and, ultimately, developing an erotic lexicon that is unique and true to the spirit of your individual relationship.
I say it because we haven't come up with a word that is more inclusive, that really describes the entire area and all its parts. Ensler is right: The words you choose to use in your bedroom are your own business; supplying you with accurate knowledge is this book's business. Now You See It: Based on years of research and self-examination, FFWHC has redefined much of what had been previously held to be true about the nature of female sexuality.
Interestingly, the principal function of pubic hair is to attract and retain odors that stem from the release of glands in the pubic area and serve as a source of arousal. As Napoleon noted in a love letter to Josephine: The Labia Majora. Heading south from the mons pubis, we next encounter the starting point of the labia majora major lips. The outer sides of the labia majora, also known as the outer lips, are rich with pubic hair, whereas their inner sides are smooth, lined with oil and sweat glands.
Beneath the skin of the outer lips is a network of erectile tissue that engorges with blood during arousal. The outer lips are analogous to the male scrotum, and both were formed from the same embryonic tissue.
Although sensitive to touch, the outer lips are not nearly as sensitive as the labia minora small lips or other parts of the clitoral network such as the head and shaft. The Front Commissure. The outer lips mark an area where the visible parts of the clitoris begin. This highly sensitive area, just above the clitoral head, is called the front commissure, and it's from this point that the clitoral shaft — an unseen, but instrumental part of the clitoris — protrudes.
The Labia Minora. Enfolded within the labia majora are the labia minora little lips , although many insist that it's more apt to refer to both sets of lips respectively as outer and inner, rather than big and little, since the inner lips sometimes protrude out and beyond the outer lips. Interestingly, the inner lips are also archaically known Some anthropologists speculate that a woman's use of lipstick stems from her desire to have the visible upper lips resemble the inner hidden lips below — a signal to the opposite sex that she is sexually ready.
Like the inner side of the labia majora, these smaller, inner lips have no hair, but are layered with oil glands that look and feel like tiny bumps.
Dense with nerves, the inner lips are extremely sensitive and play an important role in the process of arousal. The inner lips are remarkably diverse in size and appearance.
From woman to woman, and often on the same woman, no two lips are the same. Some lips are narrow; others wide; some curl inward, others flare outward. Sometimes the texture is glossy and smooth, sometimes wrinkled and bumpy. During the process of arousal, the inner lips change color, from light pink to darker hues, and swell and puff in size as they engorge with blood. The Hood. The outer edges of the inner lips meet just above the sensitive clitoral head to form the well-known protective hood which is analogous to the foreskin of the penis , also known as the prepuce.
The friction created when the clitoral hood rubs against the head is a powerful source of stimulation and pleasure. The hood also protects the head from overstimulation; just prior to the release of orgasm, it's into the folds of the hood that the head seeks refuge.
The Frenulum. Below the head, the inner edges of the labia minora meet to form the frenulum, a small expanse of soft, sensitive skin, also known as the bridle. Like the inner lips, this area is rich in nerve fibers and is extremely sensitive to the touch. The Fourchette. The bottom edges of the lips meet beneath the vaginal entrance in an area known as the fourchette, or little fork, dust as the front commisure marks the top part of the visible clitoris, the fourchette marks the bottom.
The Clitoral Gians the head. Protected by the hood of the inner lips, he head is the crown jewel that rests atop the unseen shaft and crura the legs. One of the biggest mistakes a lover can make is to underestimate the sensitivity of the clitoral head. In fact, at the peak of sexual arousal, the head becomes so sensitive that, with a little help from the suspensory ligament an unseen part of the of the clitoris , it retracts beneath its hood and is often hidden at the moment of climax.
Some heads are large; others are small. Size varies greatly, just as it does with the male penis. But regardless of size and shape, all contain the same number of nerve endings, so clitoral dimensions have no impact on a woman's sensitivity. Beneath the skin of the perineum is a network of blood vessels and tissue, which fill with blood during arousal and become intensely sensitive.
Now You Don't: Y ou need to rely on all of your senses, especially touch. In their book A New View of a Woman's Body, the Feminist Center for Health identified eighteen parts in the clitoral network, many of which are unseen but are nonetheless felt or contribute to the experience of feeling. Let's review the internal parts of the clitoris: The Clitoral Body.
Attached to the head, and running just beneath the surface of the skin, the clitoral shaft can easily be felt, especially when aroused and filled with blood. A soft little pipe, the shaft is composed of spongy erectile tissue that is extremely receptive to sensation. The shaft extends north from the head toward the mons pubis for about three quarters of an inch before forking and dividing like a wishbone into two thin crura or legs that flare downward along the path of the inner lips and surround twin bulbs of erectile tissue, known as the clitoral bulbs.
If you've ever noticed that the clitoral head seems to retract and disappear under its protective hood during peak arousal, that's because the suspensory ligament — attached to the head at one end and the ovaries at the other — is being stretched, causing the head to retract. Additionally, the clitoris has layers of muscle, usually referred to as vaginal muscles or pelvic floor muscles.
She Comes First
There is the oval-shaped bulbocavernous muscle that rests between the inner lips and the bulbs of the clitoris. This muscle is interwoven with muscle that encircles the anus, and is part of the reason that anal stimulation is often a tum-on and hence part of the clitoral network.
Underneath it all is a broad, flat layer of muscle called the pubococcygeus pew-bo-cok-SIH-gee-us or PC muscle. Arnold Kegel who observed that the PC muscle contracts during orgasm. Starting at the urethral opening, and running about two inches deep to the bladder, is the urethra, which first and foremost enables the removal of urine. Surrounding the urethra is a ring of spongy erectile tissue, known as coipus spongiosum, which fills with blood luring arousal and protects the urethra from the friction of penetration.
This area of spongy tissue is also known as the much-ballyhooed G-spot, named in after Dr. While sensitive to stimulation, but without nearly as many nerve endings as the clitoral head, the G-spot generally responds to a more persistent, massaging pressure.
“She Comes First Summary”
It's not uncommon for a woman to feel a fleeting urge to urinate when this area is stimulated. A whole lot of fuss has been made over the difference between a clitoral orgasm and a G-spot orgasm, with many claiming that the latter is responsible for the production of the fuller vaginal orgasm. John Perry. In retrospect, it's possible to argue that all their book ultimately accomplished was to reintroduce a spruced-up, hyped-up theory of vaginal orgasm into the mainstream, with the added bonus of female ejaculation.
Is that revolutionary, or just plain reactionary? As we discussed earlier, the whole idea of a mature vaginal orgasm vs. And although the urethral sponge is indeed attached to the vaginal ceiling, it is nevertheless considered an integral part of the clitoral network and not a separate part of the vagina that produces pleasure.
A G- spot orgasm, like all female orgasms, is a clitoral orgasm; it's part of the same pleasure network. Does a woman actually ' ejaculate? In general, female ejaculation appears to be the exception rather than the rule. Today, a whole industry has emerged around the concept, pitching a vast array of hooks, tapes, videos, and seminars that urge women to discover and master their ejaculatory potential.
But amid all the snake oil, it's worth keeping in mind that the orgasm reflex is part of the autonomic nervous system — it's an involuntary response outside of the control of the mind. Where does female ejaculate come from? Depends on what type of emission you're talking about.
The type of fluid that sometimes gets released as part of the natural involuntary orgasmic reflex appears to originate in the area of spongy tissue that surrounds the urethra and encompasses tiny para-urethral glands.
Two of the largest of these glands are called Skene's glands and appear near the urethral opening. Some studies have argued that the fluid produced by these glands is actually urine. Upon analysis, however, it's been concluded that these glands, in fact, produce a clear alkaline fluid that is much closer in composition to male prostatic fluid, and gives rise to the even more controversial notion of the existence of a female prostate.
However, the fluid that is reputed to gush when consciously impelled by the bearing down of the pelvic muscles may very well be coming from the bladder and thereby contain urine. Women who train themselves to consciously ejaculate also appear to produce more fluid than women who emit fluid involuntarily, lending further credence to the idea that urine may be contributing to the overall volume of ejaculate.
What's interesting as well is that interviews with women who are able to voluntarily ejaculate reveal that the process is independent of sexual arousal and does not necessarily heighten the pleasure of orgasm, whereas women who involuntarily ejaculate are unable to parse the experience of orgasm and ejaculation and often don't even know that they've ejaculated.
All in all, it does not appear that ejaculation, voluntary or involuntary, does much to enhance the pleasure of orgasm, lb that end, a woman's time would be better spent on Kegel exercises and the strengthening of the pelvic floor muscles — an exercise known to increase the quality of orgasmic contractions. How Wet Is Wet?
In a nonaroused state, the vagina is a compressed tube, about three to four inches long, composed of muscle, and lined with mucous membranes not dissimilar to the lining of the mouth. Just below the vaginal opening are the ducts that connect to the vulvovaginal glands, which secrete a few drops of thick fluid that contribute, along with the sweating of the vagina, to the lubrication of the vaginal opening. As we will discuss in the section on foreplay, lubrication is a big part of the arousal process, but is by no means an unequivocal indicator that a woman's been amply stimulated.
She may be lubricated, but not necessarily aroused. These secretions are part of the vagina's natural way of keeping it free of bacteria that don't belong there. Conversely, a woman may be highly aroused, yet not necessarily well lubricated.
In short, a woman's ability to lubricate can be impacted by a variety of factors — her estrogen levels, diet, and stress to name a few.
And while lubrication is connected to the process of arousal and plays an important role in subsequent sexual activity, assessing her readiness depends on a variety of factors and is ultimately more art than science. Now that we've met the various parts of the clitoral network — both visible and hidden — let's take a closer look at how they interact and come together in the process of sexual response.
Again we take our cue from Strunk and White: Here's an abridged version. Don't let the list overwhelm you; in Part II, we'll take a much closer look at the important hot-spots, one by one, and soon they'll be right on the tip of your tongue.
The front commissure the point where the outer lips meet at the base of the mons pubis. The glans head. The inner lips, or labia minora. The clitoral hood.
The frenulum the point where the outer edges of the inner lips meet just below the head. The fourchette the point where the inner lips meet beneath the vaginal opening. The hymen, or its remnants, visible just inside the vaginal opening. The clitoral shaft, which connects the head and the legs. The legs, or crura, two elongated bodies of erectile tissue, shaped like a wishbone. The bulbs, two large bodies of spongy erectile tissue. The urethral sponge, or G-spot attached to the vaginal ceiling. The para-urethral glands: The vulvovaginal glands, which produce a small amount of lubricant outside of the vagina.
The perineal sponge, a dense network of blood vessels that lies underneath the perineum. The pelvic floor muscles. The suspensory ligament and round ligament. The blood vessels, which increase blood supply to the pelvic area during arousal and engorge the erectile tissues, causing them to swell.
Like a great work of dramatic literature, there's a structure to the process of arousal; a narrative that encompasses a beginning, middle, and end, with each element taking its natural place in the overall sequence of events. The parts of the clitoral network that we met in the preceding chapters are like actors in a drama that interact and make their entrances and exits according to the cues of the larger script.
Aristotle emphasized the importance of plot: Most important of all is the structure of the incidents. If any one of them is displaced or removed, the whole will be disjointed and disturbed. Masters and Johnson broke down the process of sexual response into four stages: Excitement, Plateau, Orgasm, and Resolution. With the application of steady, rhythmic stimulation, each phase builds upon the last in the creation and release of sexual tension.
With that in mind, let's move on to a synopsis of sexual response. Foreplay galvanizes the mind and body toward sexual response. Act II — Coreplay: As coreplay continues: During the process of arousal, erectile tissue engorges with blood, causing the clitoral head nearly to double in size.
Finally, all the muscular tension that has been building explodes in orgasm — a series of quick, rhythmic contractions. In addition, the uterus contracts because of an influx of oxytocin. The number of orgasmic contractions varies, anywhere from three to fifteen on average, although Masters and Johnson observed a woman who experienced a forty-three-second orgasm consisting of more than twenty-five successive contractions.
Additionally, it's been observed that pregnant women sometimes experience prolonged orgasms because of the persistent engorgement of their genitals.
While the orgasm originates from the genital area, it is often experienced and felt throughout the body. Every woman's orgasm is different and highly individualized. Well, part of what it feels like is this, that you're just a drop of oil on a white tablecloth, just a tiny, still drop of oil, and then in a flash you're expanding outward in every direction, evenly, turning into a stain, a little drop expanding into a bright stain that covers the universe, the process of that, the expanding.
T here we have it in a nutshell: Even though the structure is universal, every story is unique. How it plays out has everything to do with the characters involved. Sometimes the story might unfold in a matter of minutes; other times it may take hours. The Return to Balance After orgasm is the resolution phase, a return to calm and the prearoused state.
Men and women differ strikingly in this phase, with the former losing their erections quickly and entering into what's known as a refractory period, an interval of time that needs to pass before he can get an erection again.
With women, it takes longer for the genitals to return to their normal state, at least five to ten minutes. Women tend not to get sleepy, their genitals don't become hypersensitive except the clitoral head , and they don't experience a refractory period — with a little stimulation they're ready to begin the process all over again.
YES, both men and women appear on balance to enjoy giving and receiving respectively, BUT not, it seems, without reservation. As noted in the Hite Report on Male Sexuality, almost half of all men who said they enjoyed cunnilingus were nonetheless preoccupied with issues of cleanliness and hygiene; and closely associated with those concerns were comments that women's genitals smelled bad.
A smaller percentage of men did not share these concerns, and an even smaller group of aficionados claimed to love the taste and smell. But such enthusiasts are in the minority. Rare is the man who can share Napoleon's steadfast ardor in savoring a woman's cassolette the French word for perfume box and used colloquially to describe a woman's unique scent; the sum total Don't wash, I'm coming home!
And cunnilingus, with its elimination of distance and its unavoidable intimacy, is often a lightning rod for unleashing anxiety. All this fuss and hullabaloo over hygiene; and yet, in reality, a woman's genitals are a self-cleaning system — more sanitary than many other parts of the body, including the mouth.
One of the reasons a woman is often lubricated, even when she's not aroused, is that these secretions are part of the vagina's natural way of keeping it bacteria-free. As science writer Natalie Angier has written: Sure, the traditional concept of a vagina is 'It's a swamp down there!
It's been said that a woman's genitals are as clean as a fresh carton of yogurt, and this comparison is often made because the kind of bacteria found in yogurt, lactobacilli, are also found in a woman's vaginal secretions. In fact, if symbiosis is compromised and unhealthy, anaerobic bacteria gain an advantage, eating yogurt can often help to stave off infection and restore balance.
If there is a bad smell in the genital area, the first thing worth paying attention to is personal hygiene. Later, in Part II, we'll discuss how to eroticize these activities and incorporate hygiene into the excitement. However, if personal hygiene has been attended to, and an off- putting odor still persists, it's probably time to go to the doctor: This, according to Natalie Angier, is where the comparison to fish often comes into play, as these microbes produce trimethylamine, the same substance that gives day-old fish its odor.
Gertrude Stein, a cunnilinguist in her own right, may have been mistaken: Some women are bom with imbalances, and might have a predisposition toward vaginosis and a stronger odor.
In addition to eating yogurt, there are also antibiotic treatments that can help restore balance. Every woman smells and tastes different. Some are sweeter than others, some are a bit more pungent, still others are more neutral and nondescript.
Sometimes the differences are subtle, other times they're stark. Nor will the same woman always consistently smell or taste the same. Lots of factors can affect smell and taste, including: Unprotected sex can also affect a woman's smell, in that sperm is highly alkaline and raises the pH level of the vaginal ecosystem. It's contagious, if not downright viral. Know that a healthy vagina is a clean vagina. Don't let your anxiety trigger a vicious cycle; instead transform that nervous energy into enthusiasm.
Enjoy and savor her unique cassolette — now there's an idea worth raising a glass to and toasting! A Question on Scent Question: Before we broke up, I had never had any problem with her smell when I went down on her; to be honest I never even noticed it.
But then, seven months later, we got back together and I noticed a distinct difference. She was more Eventually her smell returned to normal, but what happened? Could she have had an infection? According to science writer Natalie Angier, a woman can contract vaginosis an infection that affects her scent from engaging in unprotected sex.
As it turns out, sperm is highly alkaline, more than any other body fluid. When introduced during unprotected sex, this causes the overall pH level of the vagina to rise, and briefly allows unhealthy bacteria to gain advantage.
Usually the body quickly readjusts to normal levels, especially when the sperm is familiar, as it is when two partners are committed to each other and monogamous. But if a woman has unprotected sex with one or more new partners, the body may not be able to restore balance as quickly as possible as a result of immunological factors. So in some sense, smell may be indicative of promiscuity, and is probably why the Kamasutra describes licentious women as smelling like fish.
This is the vagina that sings; this is the vagina with a bouquet. We've Come a Long Way. It was definitely not a casual activity, and was usually thought to be something that occurred after a couple was already having intercourse in a committed relationship. So much for the Roaring Twenties. Sounds more like the Boring Twenties.
Attitudes began to ease a bit in the s and s, with studies showing that oral sex was becoming more prevalent and better known as a technique that was especially satisfying for women. Even so, in a Kinsey Report, only 3 percent of younger women who were still virgins reported ever receiving cunnilingus. The rate was substantially higher among married women. During the sexual revolution of the s and s, oral sex evolved into an acceptable practice for all couples, whether or not they were married.
It became particularly popular on college campuses, and maybe that's why to this day, according to the authors of Sex in America: Today, cunnilingus is considered to be an important part of the arousal process, with enlightened and sexually confident women insisting on quid pro quo — giving according to how they receive.
In examining contemporary sexual mores, the authors of the Sex in America Survey based on the National Health and Social Life Survey grouped their participants into three different categories: The traditionalists were those people who maintained that their religious beliefs always guided their sexual behavior and believed that homosexuality was wrong; they also believed in restrictions on abortion and did not condone premarital sex, teenage sex, or extramarital sex.
Relationalists believed that sex did not have to be reserved for marriage, but that it should be part of a loving relationship. They condoned premarital sex, but did not condone infidelity or sex without love.
Finally, the recreationalists did not believe that sex need have anything to do with love, and they also opposed laws that prohibited the sale of pornography. Based on these categories, If we look at the numbers in terms of age, Women and men aged eighteen to thirty-nine were most likely to include cunnilingus in their sex lives, with Conversely, for women aged forty to forty-four, the rate fell to So it would appear that the younger you are the more likely you are to have experienced cunnilingus, and the more likely you are to have experienced it earlier in your lifetime.
Having discovered it, they can't get enough. Happily, this adoption of cunnilingus as a regular part of sexual activity is not just a function of young women becoming more confident and assertive in their demand for a level playing field, but is also indicative of a shift in male attitudes.
As men become more sensitive to the importance of the female orgasm, and recognize the unreliability of genital intercourse in achieving one, they increasingly incoiporate cunnilingus into their repertoire of sexual techniques. If you think it all sounds too good to be true, you're right.
AIDS, gonorrhea, syphilis, genital herpes, chlamydia, genital warts, and hepatitis. Men also need to worry about nongonococcal urethritis, whereas women should be more than a little concerned about pelvic inflammatory disease. Of these diseases, gonorrhea, syphilis, chlamydia, nongonococcal urethritis, and pelvic inflammatory disease are caused by the transmission of bacteria and can be cured with antibiotics if caught early enough; the rest are viral and without cure, although in some cases the symptoms are treatable.
These STDs are highly contagious and can be transmitted from vulva to mouth and vice versa.
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Vaginal secretions of women who are HIV positive have been found to contain small amounts of HIV with the amounts rising when she is menstruating , and HIV positive men can also transmit the virus via cuts in the mouth. But unprotected cunnilingus places you at greater risk for a far wider array of STDs. Of those participants surveyed in the NSHLS survey, one in six said they had had an STD at some point in their lives, with a significant percentage reporting having had one in the last year.
They were twice as likely as men to have had genital warts, and more than twice as likely to be infected with genital herpes. Overall, 18 percent of women and 16 percent of men have contracted one of the nine sexually transmitted diseases covered in the survey, with chlamydia and genital warts taking the top spots, displacing the formerly more common gonorrhea.
They have many sex partners. As the number of partners increases, so does the risk. With more than twenty partners, his risk is about 28 percent. The same rough pattern is true of women, with the spectrum of percentages increasing from 5 to 35 percent.
It should therefore come as no surprise that the more partners a person has had, the more likely that he or she has engaged with those partners outside of a monogamous relationship, and that his or her partner falls into a similar pattern of promiscuity, thereby greatly increasing the risk of having come into contact with an STD. As it turns out, promiscuity triggers a domino effect of risky behaviors: Make sure that it's part of your safe- sex routine.
If you're engaging a new partner, communicate openly and candidly.
Be prepared to discuss your current sex partners, sexual history, risky behaviors, STD status, recent activities, and your approach to protection. Be aware that some STDs are asymptomatic and may flourish undetected; so if you find yourself caught up in the heat of the moment, think before engaging in unprotected cunnilingus.
Regardless of the reward, even the smallest act is not without risk. If you're uncertain or nervous, don't take the risk. It's not worth it, and if you don't want to avoid oral sex altogether, then at least take precautions through the use of barriers such as dental dams a thin strip of latex that is placed over the vulva as you apply cunnilingus , latex gloves, or finger cots individual plastic sheaths that workers in restaurants use to protect themselves from cuts.
All of these safe-sex accessories can typically be found in drugstores, and can also be ordered from specialty stores such as Good Vibrations or the Blowfish catalog. In a pinch, even a sheet of Saran Wrap will do; just make sure you're using the non-microwavable kind, as the microwavable sort isn't impervious to bacteria.
If all this talk of protection sounds like a bummer, there is a silver lining: Later, we will specifically discuss techniques and routines that incoiporate safe-sex equipment into the process and do not diminish it.
The first step is to know what you need in terms of protection, and then know how to use it. During sexual activity, a condom is usually not far from reach, and may typically be introduced by either partner. While condoms are generally accepted and prevalent in their use, the same cannot be said of dental dams and the accessories that make for a safe session of cunnilingus.
Whereas a request to use a condom is SOP Standard Operating Procedure and these days doesn't make one think twice, the introduction of a dental dam is often attention grabbing and may be perceived as signaling the possibility of risk, as opposed to just playing it safe.
Perhaps this is because condoms serve the double function of preventing both unwanted pregnancy and unwanted STDs, whereas dental dams only prevent the latter. In short, condoms often embody positive attributes attentiveness and concern for safety , whereas a dental dam may evoke the negative perception of risk.
Rare is the guy who's been carrying a dental dam around in his wallet for years, waiting for the opportunity to put it into use, and equally rare is the woman who's going to insist he use one.
The truth is that women don't want a guy to use a dental dam because it diminishes the pleasure. So if you want to use one, you have to be proactive about it. Like the linking together of two power cables to create a single flow of electricity, your tongue against her vulva is the conjoining of thousands of nerve endings, the firing of neurons, the buzzing of receptors, the ultimate melding of body and soul in a pulse-pounding current.
Such joys are ultimately experienced in a trusting, committed relationship. In the depth of sexual passion the skin of the other has the quality of treasure; the mundane secretions our bodies make are honey, manna, light.
To be cut off from each other's fluid is a terrible thing; our fluids are meant to mingle, we long for this mingling that is both so outrageous and pure. When approaching safe sex, keep in mind what Dr. As we move forward into Part II and focus on specific oral techniques for success, think of Part I as a manifesto, a call to action that urges us first and foremost to: Even Karl Marx recognized that in order for words to become actions, the proper preconditions for success must be firmly in place.
In the cunnilinguist revolution, we cannot underestimate the insidious forces of fear, shame, and ignorance. A woman may be deeply conflicted when it comes to receiving cunnilingus and the experience may be fraught with anxiety. Who knows for sure what emotional baggage she may carry? Take nothing for granted. There's an utter nakedness to cunnilingus, a vulnerability that we must respect and honor.
She is exposing herself to be seen, smelled, tasted, and observed firsthand; she is permitting the exploration of a part of her body that she herself may find unfamiliar and mysterious. She may think her vulva is ugly, unkempt, unpredictable in its secretions, odoriferous, and strange. She may insist on making love in the dark, literally and figuratively. As cunnilinguists we need to be committed, steadfast, and confident in our resolve. If she senses that we're the least bit ambivalent, insincere, or impatient, then our efforts will be for naught.
Only by inspiring trust will you lull her into a deeper, more instinctive zone of the self, a place where she can shed all inhibition and surrender herself to the soft warm wetness of your tongue. To that end, the Three Assurances of the cunnilinguist manifesto are as follows: You want to savor every moment. Communicate these Three Assurances physically and verbally; repeat them over and over, in every possible way; say them, show them: Be strong, be understanding. If she has issues, fears, talk your way through them.
Work your way through the anxiety. Lead her to a breakthrough. Be one of the good guys. Take one small lick for man, one giant lick for womankind.
Jul 13, Red Phoenix rated it really liked it. Not just for men. I think women can get just as much out of it learning about their own bodies and pleasure points. Now I know what to tell my partner instead of, "Yeah more of that! Feb 02, Kathrynn rated it it was amazing Shelves: Excellent and a must read for both men an women! She comes first: The courtesy that counts 2. Her clitoris: The little engine that could 3.
Think outside her box 4. The female orgasm: The tongue is mightier than the sword 6. Her inner goddess 7. Avoid Freud 8. What's in a name? Now you see it: Female sexual anatomy Now you don't: Avoid "G-spotty" logic When raindrops keep falling on your head: How wet is wet? Aristo Excellent and a must read for both men an women!
Aristotle and the Poetics of Arousal A Synopsis of Female Sexual Response Scent and Sensibility We've come a long way Eat right The Cunnilinguist Manifesto A note on the play process A lexicon of relevant terms Introducing coreplay Form follows function: A quick refresher of the top 10 hot spots of the clitoral network Grand openings: Establishing Rhythm Developing tension part 1 Time flies Developing tension part 2 Escalating the action, part 1 Two's company An interlude Escalting the action, part 2 A stitch in time 36, 37, Preorgasm, part 1, 2, 3 Posterior Pizzazz A note for those stuck without an ending She comes again and again Seamless transitions Achieving simultaniety Don't forget your epilogue The substance of style A cheat sheet Beginner to advanced Oct 12, Erin rated it really liked it.
Everything you ever wanted to know about women and orgasms. If every man would read this, there would be no more divorce. This should be required reading in high schools. Jul 08, SilverReader rated it really liked it. Very good source for oral sex, but there were far too many page fillers. Could have been a lot shorter. Feb 07, Orion rated it really liked it. She Comes First is a manual for men on how to provide sexual pleasure to a woman.
The premise of the book is the fact that female orgasms are clitoral orgasms. He goes on to say that the best clitoral orgasms are achieved with cunnilingus and that, because of differences in male and female sexual response, it is best for heterosexual couples if the female orgasm precedes the male orgasm.
The author has a Ph. Being an English major from Brandeis She Comes First is a manual for men on how to provide sexual pleasure to a woman. Being an English major from Brandeis University, he has chosen to use the structure of Strunk and White's The Elements of Style to organize the information presented.
The first section, "The Elements of Sexual Style," outlines female sexual anatomy and response. To make his case for the clitoral orgasm, he argues that the clitoris is much more than the glans, or love button, and that it has 18 parts, most of which are internal and not visible.
Line dawings by Naomi Pitcairn are helpful throughout the text in illustrating anatomy and positions. In the second section, "Rules of Usage," Kerner outlines the basic steps of cunnilingus from foreplay, through "coreplay" to "moreplay. The third and last section is called "Putting It All Together" and it provides routines, from beginner to advanced that the student can use.
There is even a blank Routine Template you can photocopy and fill in with your own variations. The image of a young playboy keeping completed templates with women's names at the top, filed alphabetically in a ring binder came to mind when I saw this.
While I liked this book I felt that the format actually detracted from the presentation. Strunk and White's book may have been a revelation to some young college freshmen learning to write, but their methodology, does not always translate well to other disciplines. If you have a clueless man in your life, this book may help him discover one of the greatest joys in life. Okay, the first book I finish this year, and it's a sex book. Of course. I noticed this book because it appears in Transformers 3; Sam's mom holds it up and declares, "There is some killer shit in here.
It's a real book. I lost the debate. I was sure it was photoshopped. I mean come on, look at the cover. And it has good reviews! So, we said "What the hell!
You know, just to see. Sam's mom is right.
It's meant for men, so I mostly skimmed the 2nd half of it where all of the techniques are. But I have wondered before how men learn what to do "down there"-- I mean, it must be intimidating. Enthusiasm aside, how do they figure out where to even start? Knowledge is power, right? Apr 22, Carli rated it liked it Shelves: This is the Kerner book touching on female sexuality but it is really about cunnilingus.
Pretty exhaustive, actually, and had some good information. It has very specific cunnilingus routines, for those who are interested. Heh heh, I'm blushing a bit as I write about this. Sep 21, Elizabeth Bear rated it it was amazing. Seems clear and concise, though somewhat mechanistic in its approach. Practical tips and science! Nov 21, Amina Al motery rated it did not like it Shelves: Mar 09, Heydi Smith rated it it was amazing Shelves: I am not the target audience of this book. I just saw the title and thought, man I wish that was true.
This book says everything I wish I could tell every man in the world! It clears up every misconception that men have because of television a I am not the target audience of this book. It clears up every misconception that men have because of television and pornos. Best of all, he explains in-depth how to bring a woman to orgasm in several ways and multiple times in one night yes I promise it is possible. You will have a VERY grateful partner willing to reciprocate!
Jan 11, Michael rated it liked it Recommends it for: It's been a while since I've read a non-fiction book about sexuality the last was the excellent Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex , and because it is an area of intense interest where actual breakthroughs are few, I thought I'd give Kerner's book a chance.
I'm embarrassed to admit that I believe I'd read it before and forgotten, so take my comments with that in mind.
The overwhelming theme of the book is that a woman's pleasure is the most important aspect of sex, for it rewards both It's been a while since I've read a non-fiction book about sexuality the last was the excellent Bonk: The overwhelming theme of the book is that a woman's pleasure is the most important aspect of sex, for it rewards both partners.
This is not a revolutionary idea in , nor in when the book was published, but the proportion of informed lovers to bedroom clods seems to change only slowly - much to the detriment of women everywhere. Part of this is our society that teaches about sex in the wrong way and, as Kerner points out, a lot of misconceptions are spread from pornography.
As such, in this alone I applaud his message. Compounded with the suggestions for good wine, iambic Shakespearean sonnets traced upon the vulva, and good side stories the one about Jackson Pollock is priceless , and the book's worth is unquestionable. The prose is clinical. The actual information is both interesting and, in some cases, at least questionable. The illustrations, too, or non-erotic. If you want to see gleaming genital frenula, you still have to go to dodgier places. On the positive side, though, you can read She Comes First in the library without feeling perverted.
The book's intention is to inform about a woman's sexual anatomy, redesign the sexual encounter by changing the focus of the moment from intercourse to "coreplay" which is mostly cunnilingus , and create a plan that can be followed to bring a woman to orgasm using these techniques.
There are even cheat sheets. On the surface this seems like a positive plan. The problems appear in the execution however. This might be overly pedantic, but shouldn't we just keep the word 'vulva' instead? The erogenous zone known as the G-Spot becomes a part of the clitoral cluster sorry Dr. In any case, the book proceeds to document the best way to stimulate each element. Here alone was the zeal - in the execution of different techniques - and I began to have a nervous feeling after the suggestion of leg restraint without - except in the appendix - any discussion of safe words and so forth about the conditions of the research.
The thought could best be expressed is "was the purpose of giving her orgasms for her benefit or his? One thing I have learned is that women are not problems to be solved. They aren't also something to be generalized such that a user manual of techniques must be employed to leap from floundering to satisfaction.
That really is just another form of objectifying them and a list of steps to bring your lover to orgasm misses the entire purpose of making love - the devotion to the spiritual moment that supersedes all terrestrial considerations. It's axiomatic. Lose yourself together and you'll find yourself together again at a peak.
Download E-books She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (Kerner) PDF
The final complaint I have is the idea that men are responsible for a woman's orgasms. That's a very outdated way of thinking, still bordering on quaint in , but getting lots of mold on the edges. Sex is a participatory endeavor and the results rely on the skillful execution of both parties. All this being said, there is enough in "She Comes First" to recommend the book, especially to someone who doesn't have much world experience or does but is misguided in thinking that his orgasm is the main event.
I also think it's a decent book for women to read to understand their anatomy better, though my gut feeling is that most thinking women have already figured all of this out already.
Werner's side stories were the most endearing parts and I'm not going to spoil any of these, but I promise they're worth the price of admission. I also applaud his intent to focus on female satisfaction, but wonder if - even in - he was behind the curve. It doesn't really matter though.A note for those stuck without an ending I get that this book is for techniques but the introduction chapters are so great and should not be skipped.
Edwardes and R. Freud, New Introductory Lectures on Psychoanalysis dependency; oral sex was verboten. This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers. The final complaint I have is the idea that men are responsible for a woman's orgasms. A steady grip helps you execute your tongue strokes and maintain persistent contact with her vulva. In doing so, we reduce inconsistencies, ambiguities, and redundancies, as well as the likelihood of error.
Werner's side stories were the most endearing parts and I'm not going to spoil any of these, but I promise they're worth the price of admission. Create a strong sense of expectation.
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